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Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Seeing is Believing?

Please excuse my absence for I having been suffering major heartburn from the bullshit served up by fast food. Today's post, I'm afraid, will be extremely short. It seems I can't stay off the toilet long enough to write a significant post, compliments of McDonalds! Those greasy bastards!

I will try to be more active on this blog because I know that all of you would love to fast food go up in flames. But for now, I just want to send out a message...a warning, if you will.

What you see...








....isn't exactly what you get!!


Seriously, have you ever got a sandwich that looks just like it's advertised? Or even barely resembles the pic in the ad?

I didn't think so!

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Add Lettuce!

First and foremost, I would like to congratulate myself for returning my blog to it's original state. Go me! (Pats self on back) I'm not some computer nerd so cut me some slack! That last background was some gay shit, wasn't it? All that gayness in an attempt to add speech bubbles to my photos and I still haven't figured it out!

Time is of the essence so I must keep this post as short as possible while still making my point. Like I said, I'm not a computer geek and can't type a thousand keystrokes per minute so my posts take longer than what I have time for. I neglect my duties as a parent and as a husband every time is sit down in front of this computer so be thankful for what you get!

Today, I'm going to pick on the biggest fast food monster of all...





There is so much I have to say about these fuckers it is hard to know where to begin and impossible to fit it all into one post. I'm quite sure there is more to come on these guys. But for now, let's start small. After all, it's the little things about fast food that gets me the most!

So what is it that has me in a rage this time? All the cheap ways they get more money from us. Let's start with the value menu. More specifically, the "Mcdouble".






Here it is...the Mcdouble. Available on the value menu for just 99 cents. It's just a double cheeseburger. But when you order this item, you must refer to it as a Mcdouble. If you call it a double cheeseburger, this is what you get....

Looks relatively the same at first glance. But the double cheeseburger costs $1.49. Why the significant change in price? One single slice of cheese! Are you fucking kidding me!? Are you telling me that one little slice of slimy ass cheese costs 50 cents? I think not! Maybe they are adding in the cost of extra labor for taking the difficult time of placing an extra slice of cheese on the heaping pile of grease they call a sandwich. Those tricky bastards! I remember the first time they got me on this, I was fucking furious! At first, on the dollar menu, it was a double cheeseburger. Then they sneakily changed it to the Mcdouble. I had exact change ready for my usual order and was dumbfounded when it didn't come out right. Cheap fuckers!

My most recent visit, to McD's, I wanted something out of the norm. I decided on a filet-o-fish.







More often than not, this is how it's going to look when they serve it to you. Even the bun looks greasy! The tartar is squirted on one side while the fish is hanging off the other. The cheese is on there somewhere. I thought I would spruce up my nasty fish by requesting lettuce. The result was one flimsy leaf of lettuce. I would have been better off picking a leaf off of the nearest tree and applying it to my heap of fake greasiness. Aside from how nasty it was was the outrageous price for said leaf of lettuce. I believe it was 39 cents to add their so-called lettuce! I could go to the grocery and get an entire head of lettuce for a $1.29. How does one little leaf come to 39 cents?

Times are tough these days, so every penny counts! So when I get ripped off by these assholes over something that, you would think, shouldn't cost extra, it sends me into a blinding rage! Fucking economics, I tell you, is all a gimmick to pinch us for everything we have!

On that note, I shall close out this post with a big, fat FUCK YOU McDONALDS! You and your food suck ass! If only I would wake up early enough to pack my own lunch, I would never eat at that grease pit again!

Cheers my friends! Be careful how you place your order!

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Caveman Chronicles (continued)

To get the meaning of this post you must first visit http://loadsofwork.blogspot.com/...unless you are coming from there. In which case you would continue reading. My sub-conscious: "No fucking shit, moron!"



.....I got my bubble text alright! Are you fucking kidding me!? A pink background with the sought after bubble text! If you had been to this page before, you would know that I had a cheese burger for my background.
 
Now all I wanted to do was add a bubble text to my own photos. I did figure out how to add bubble texts to my photos in Open Office, but uploading them to my blog is still a mystery! I had thought that I was installing a program that would enable me to make my characters (my family) talk via speech bubble. Now I'm stuck with this gay background and I can't change it back!

I woke my wife up the morning it happened, with the computer in my lap, half laughing and half crying from the idiotic thing I had done. When I was finally able to take my eyes off of the "new look" of my blog and look at her, she was silently giggling with her eyes watering and her hand over her mouth, trying not to let out the uproar that was swelling up inside her! When she was finally able to breathe she managed to call me an idiot and began laughing again. I agreed and laughed with her.


Don't let this be me! I could probably definitely use some advice here. I'm hoping to be able to add bubble texts to my photos and restore this blog to it's original state by my next post.

Might want to give a follow....who knows what dumb ass move I will pull next!

Thursday, August 25, 2011

"The Audible"

We all get annoyed with fast food. There are so many different ways that your fast food experience can go wrong. This one particular is about the initial vibe you get when you first pull up to the drive through. I'm a dick when it comes to quality of service in fast food.  So when I get annoyed, I like to mess with them.

Now I don't know how it may be in your region but in my particular area at a certain restaraunt (I'm not gonna say who!),

"Shut up you fucking dog!!!"

.......there is a place where their initial drive-up greeting is "How are you?". I mean, really? I didn't drive all this way just to tell you how I am! Why don't you just take my order, you fuck! Oftentimes I tell them "I've slipped into the seventh circle of hell! Thanks for asking!" The silence I get afterwards is astounding! Finally I have time to study the menu!

A minute later, I finally get..."I'm sorry to hear that sir, can I take your order?"

Me: "I'm sorry, I thought you wanted to know how I was doing? I see...Now you just want my order?"

Drive thru: "What can I get for you today, sir?"

Me: "Finally! The question I've been waiting for! Why didn't you ask that to begin with, asshole!?"

There is another way I like to mess with them , I call it "The Audible"..
and it goes as follows......



Worker: "Uhh?....Boss?....[That guy] is here again!!"

Boss: "Oh, that guy! I hate that guy! Double the drive thru....put the kitchen on high alert! On the double!!"

Worker: "Should I give him The Greeting , sir?"

Boss: "No! For God's sake, no! You know how he hates "The Greeting"!

Worker: "There's no telling what he might do this time boss! Be ready!"



Worker: "How may I take your order. sir?"

Me: "With the fucking buttons on the computer right in front of you....fucking moron!"

...silence....

Worker: "Please order when you are ready."

...silence...

Worker: "What can I get for you today?"

Me: "Hold on god damn it! I'm not fucking ready!"

...more silence...

Me: "Yes I'll have the #5 with a DR. Pepper!......NO....WAIT!!!

Worker: "Oh shit boss! he's changing his order! What do we do?"

ME:
"Check check! Half back gordita crunch!....double decker razor! Double decker razor! 55 is Mike! Set hut! hut!"

Boss: "Quick! Get that on speaker!"

Me on speaker: ......."and a taco supreme with extra cheese! With a shit ton of fire sauce! Did you get all that?"

Boss: "Shit!! We're too late!"

Worker: "What do we do now?"

Boss: "Just ring him for $25 and tell him to pull around."

Worker: .....'gulp'....."$25 sir, please pull around."

Me: "25 fucking dollars! Are you serious?"


Worker: 'gulp'..."Here you go sir...please don't hurt me!"

Me: "I'm sorry! I changed my mind! I'm going to McRon's!!

"Suckers!!!..hahaha!"

Sunday, August 21, 2011

"The Rage"

Nothing, and I mean NOTHING! can put me into a blinding rage more than a fucked up order of fast food! Just ask my wife. She has seen how I get (it's pretty bad) and, bless her heart, still remains by my side! She knows the "look" I get whenever it happens and instantly offers a firm.."Dan!!" as if saying "Not in front of the kids!" because she knows what's coming next! 

 





The kids know the drill and prepare themselves accordingly...


 "Oh great! Daddy is at it again!"


"We better hide in here, this one could get ugly!"

"Wait a minute! Daddy's got a point! I didn't get a toy with my happy meal!!"
  `

"In that case sis, hop in! We gotta catch up with him before he lands himself in prison!"

                                                              
Daddy:

"Grrr. When I get there I'm gonna............."



"Uh? Hello? There is no way in hell we will catch up with Daddy now!!"







"Oh my God, you're right! What are we going to do?"


Now you must keep in mind, all this is happening because there is no fucking cheese on my burger. There is a whole list of things that light my fuse. The smallest of details. I hate it when the cheese is hanging off half the bun and the burger is hanging off the other half! "Hello!!!? Did I order a sideways Whopper? I don't fucking think so! Now take your greasy ass back to the kitchen and center my fucking sandwich!"

Just today, I went to McDonalds. I thought I would play more order safe.

Hostess: "Hi! Welcome to McDonalds! How may we fuck up your order?"

Me: "Give me the 20 piece nuggets with extra bbq sauce please!"

That order seems simple enough. There's no way they can screw that up, right?

Hostess: "Your total is $500. Please pull up to the window and take it up your ass!"


Hostess: "Thank you for letting me rape you. Please pull up to the next window and receive your bullshit order."

Me: "Thank you! I love bullshit served in a paper bag! I can't wait to see how how big the cock is that is getting crammed up my ass this time!"



Again, all I ordered was twenty chicken nuggets. There's now way this can go wrong, right? Wrong! Surprisingly, they did get the count right on the nuggets. But what is so wrong with my order? They give me just two bbq sauces! One sauce is barely enough for just five nuggets, how in the hell do they expect two sauces to last for a whopping twenty nuggets? I mean seriously, man! Come on! It's the little things I tell you!

Meanwhile....


"Oh my God, these assholes are going to get it!"
"Hmmm? What can I do to make them pay?"
"That's it!! I'll give homeboy a call, he'll know what to do! Now what was his number again?"



 Homeboy: "Yo bro! What's up? I heard you are on a rampage. How may I be of service?"

Me: "Dude! These idiots fucked up my order for the last time! How can I make them pay?"


"I've gone loco this time, homey! I don't know what I'm gonna do!"

"Hmmm? I can come up with some pretty interesting ideas!!!!

Homeboy: "You know what, my man? Just blow the bastards up in flames and watch it burn! I get your point. When a man says no pickles, he means...NO PICKLES!"

Me: "Now your talking brother! Let's do it!"

"Ok, but I'm only gonna help just one time, bro!"


"I can see it now bro! This is gonna be so awesome!"..."Rock on brother. I like your style!"

Me: "We are gonna need some explosives."

Homeboy: "I know just the man for the job! Dude only deals in person. Let's go!"


"Vrrrrooooom!"

"You've come to the right place fellas! I got just what you need."


Homeboy: "Thanks Dude, you're the man!"

Dude: "Any time fellas, glad I could help! Oh, and uh?...if you get caught using that...."

Me: "Yea, yea, we got it. We never met, you don't exist!"

Dude: "Happy hunting, my brothers! Peace!"


"Quick! Back to McDonalds!"

Homeboy: "You ready for this, bro?"

Me: "Let's do this!"

Homeboy: "This is gonna be the shizznit!"

Me: "Alright homey, here we go! 3-2-1..."

Boom!!!


Homeboy: "Oh my God! That was so fucking awesome!"


"Woohoo! Finally!"


"Ahh! The glory, the release!"
Homeboy: No time to celebrate my man! Here comes the cops! We're screwed!"

"Stop!! We have you surrounded!"


"Son of a bitch!! I'm gonna make a run for it bro!!"

"You ain't going nowhere mister! We got 'em sarge!"

"You're coming with us! You have the right to remain silent..."



Sarge: "You boys are in a heap of trouble!

Me: "Well no shit! OFFICER! I want my phone call!"

"Now just a...burrrpp! second there fella!"
 
 Sarge: "What I was about to say, young man, is that I respect what you did. I know exactly where you are coming from!"

Me: "Get the fuck outta here!"

Sarge: "No, I'm serious, feller! Shoot, just last week I was at that there donut shop just down the street. Ordered me some jelly donuts. Bastards gave me those cream filled things instead! Gave me the shits for the next three days, I shit you not!"

Homeboy: "Oh my lord! You're kidding me!"

Sarge: "No sir! There wasn't enough toilet paper in Greasepit County to keep this ass clean!"

Me: "Well, you do have an awful big ass, sir!"

Sarge: "Why, thank you very much! Tell you what I'm gonna do...I'm gonna let you fellers off with a warning. You have a valid point to make and your actions are a direct result of years of mental torment....Trust me, I know! Now get outta my office before I change my mind!"



Homeboy: "I can't believe they are letting us walk bro! Thought we were prison bitches for sure!"

Me: "Funny how things work out. I need to get home to my family. I don't know what my wife is gonna do! Prison might be a safer alternative."

Homeboy: "I can't help you out there bro, but I tell you what...I think I found a new addiction. Today was awesome! Best high I ever had! You ever want to blow shit up you call me first!"

Me: "Agreed! Later homey!"

"Honey! I'm so glad your home!"

Me: "What? You mean you're not mad?"

Wife: "Of course not! You're famous! Everyone knows what you did and they love you for it!"

Me: "Really?"

Wife: "Of course, baby! After all these years of getting ripped off by fast food, it's finally gonna pay off!"

"Daddy? I'm hungry! Can we go out to eat?"

"What did you say!?"


"Don't worry, I have supper all under control!"



This is how I feel almost every time I get fast food. 99% of the time, my order is wrong. Its one thing to have your order wrong occasionally, but every single time? I used to work in fast food, I mean really, how hard can it be? I guess we are getting what we  pay for, FAST FOOD! Being that they throw your food at you quickly and carelessly!  Have it your way seems to be a false statement, because almost every time, you get your food their way, no matter how you place your order.

This is just a glimpse of how fast food can fuck up ones day. If you haven't noticed already, it seems that each franchise is notorious for the manner in which they ruin your day. Keep that in mind next time you get carry-out! The type of mood you're in just might dictate what brand of incompetence you can tolerate!