Thursday, August 25, 2011

"The Audible"

We all get annoyed with fast food. There are so many different ways that your fast food experience can go wrong. This one particular is about the initial vibe you get when you first pull up to the drive through. I'm a dick when it comes to quality of service in fast food.  So when I get annoyed, I like to mess with them.

Now I don't know how it may be in your region but in my particular area at a certain restaraunt (I'm not gonna say who!),

"Shut up you fucking dog!!!"

.......there is a place where their initial drive-up greeting is "How are you?". I mean, really? I didn't drive all this way just to tell you how I am! Why don't you just take my order, you fuck! Oftentimes I tell them "I've slipped into the seventh circle of hell! Thanks for asking!" The silence I get afterwards is astounding! Finally I have time to study the menu!

A minute later, I finally get..."I'm sorry to hear that sir, can I take your order?"

Me: "I'm sorry, I thought you wanted to know how I was doing? I see...Now you just want my order?"

Drive thru: "What can I get for you today, sir?"

Me: "Finally! The question I've been waiting for! Why didn't you ask that to begin with, asshole!?"

There is another way I like to mess with them , I call it "The Audible"..
and it goes as follows......

Worker: "Uhh?....Boss?....[That guy] is here again!!"

Boss: "Oh, that guy! I hate that guy! Double the drive thru....put the kitchen on high alert! On the double!!"

Worker: "Should I give him The Greeting , sir?"

Boss: "No! For God's sake, no! You know how he hates "The Greeting"!

Worker: "There's no telling what he might do this time boss! Be ready!"

Worker: "How may I take your order. sir?"

Me: "With the fucking buttons on the computer right in front of you....fucking moron!"


Worker: "Please order when you are ready."


Worker: "What can I get for you today?"

Me: "Hold on god damn it! I'm not fucking ready!"

...more silence...

Me: "Yes I'll have the #5 with a DR. Pepper!......NO....WAIT!!!

Worker: "Oh shit boss! he's changing his order! What do we do?"

"Check check! Half back gordita crunch!....double decker razor! Double decker razor! 55 is Mike! Set hut! hut!"

Boss: "Quick! Get that on speaker!"

Me on speaker: ......."and a taco supreme with extra cheese! With a shit ton of fire sauce! Did you get all that?"

Boss: "Shit!! We're too late!"

Worker: "What do we do now?"

Boss: "Just ring him for $25 and tell him to pull around."

Worker: .....'gulp'....."$25 sir, please pull around."

Me: "25 fucking dollars! Are you serious?"

Worker: 'gulp'..."Here you go sir...please don't hurt me!"

Me: "I'm sorry! I changed my mind! I'm going to McRon's!!


Sunday, August 21, 2011

"The Rage"

Nothing, and I mean NOTHING! can put me into a blinding rage more than a fucked up order of fast food! Just ask my wife. She has seen how I get (it's pretty bad) and, bless her heart, still remains by my side! She knows the "look" I get whenever it happens and instantly offers a firm.."Dan!!" as if saying "Not in front of the kids!" because she knows what's coming next! 


The kids know the drill and prepare themselves accordingly...

 "Oh great! Daddy is at it again!"

"We better hide in here, this one could get ugly!"

"Wait a minute! Daddy's got a point! I didn't get a toy with my happy meal!!"

"In that case sis, hop in! We gotta catch up with him before he lands himself in prison!"


"Grrr. When I get there I'm gonna............."

"Uh? Hello? There is no way in hell we will catch up with Daddy now!!"

"Oh my God, you're right! What are we going to do?"

Now you must keep in mind, all this is happening because there is no fucking cheese on my burger. There is a whole list of things that light my fuse. The smallest of details. I hate it when the cheese is hanging off half the bun and the burger is hanging off the other half! "Hello!!!? Did I order a sideways Whopper? I don't fucking think so! Now take your greasy ass back to the kitchen and center my fucking sandwich!"

Just today, I went to McDonalds. I thought I would play more order safe.

Hostess: "Hi! Welcome to McDonalds! How may we fuck up your order?"

Me: "Give me the 20 piece nuggets with extra bbq sauce please!"

That order seems simple enough. There's no way they can screw that up, right?

Hostess: "Your total is $500. Please pull up to the window and take it up your ass!"

Hostess: "Thank you for letting me rape you. Please pull up to the next window and receive your bullshit order."

Me: "Thank you! I love bullshit served in a paper bag! I can't wait to see how how big the cock is that is getting crammed up my ass this time!"

Again, all I ordered was twenty chicken nuggets. There's now way this can go wrong, right? Wrong! Surprisingly, they did get the count right on the nuggets. But what is so wrong with my order? They give me just two bbq sauces! One sauce is barely enough for just five nuggets, how in the hell do they expect two sauces to last for a whopping twenty nuggets? I mean seriously, man! Come on! It's the little things I tell you!


"Oh my God, these assholes are going to get it!"
"Hmmm? What can I do to make them pay?"
"That's it!! I'll give homeboy a call, he'll know what to do! Now what was his number again?"

 Homeboy: "Yo bro! What's up? I heard you are on a rampage. How may I be of service?"

Me: "Dude! These idiots fucked up my order for the last time! How can I make them pay?"

"I've gone loco this time, homey! I don't know what I'm gonna do!"

"Hmmm? I can come up with some pretty interesting ideas!!!!

Homeboy: "You know what, my man? Just blow the bastards up in flames and watch it burn! I get your point. When a man says no pickles, he means...NO PICKLES!"

Me: "Now your talking brother! Let's do it!"

"Ok, but I'm only gonna help just one time, bro!"

"I can see it now bro! This is gonna be so awesome!"..."Rock on brother. I like your style!"

Me: "We are gonna need some explosives."

Homeboy: "I know just the man for the job! Dude only deals in person. Let's go!"


"You've come to the right place fellas! I got just what you need."

Homeboy: "Thanks Dude, you're the man!"

Dude: "Any time fellas, glad I could help! Oh, and uh?...if you get caught using that...."

Me: "Yea, yea, we got it. We never met, you don't exist!"

Dude: "Happy hunting, my brothers! Peace!"

"Quick! Back to McDonalds!"

Homeboy: "You ready for this, bro?"

Me: "Let's do this!"

Homeboy: "This is gonna be the shizznit!"

Me: "Alright homey, here we go! 3-2-1..."


Homeboy: "Oh my God! That was so fucking awesome!"

"Woohoo! Finally!"

"Ahh! The glory, the release!"
Homeboy: No time to celebrate my man! Here comes the cops! We're screwed!"

"Stop!! We have you surrounded!"

"Son of a bitch!! I'm gonna make a run for it bro!!"

"You ain't going nowhere mister! We got 'em sarge!"

"You're coming with us! You have the right to remain silent..."

Sarge: "You boys are in a heap of trouble!

Me: "Well no shit! OFFICER! I want my phone call!"

"Now just a...burrrpp! second there fella!"
 Sarge: "What I was about to say, young man, is that I respect what you did. I know exactly where you are coming from!"

Me: "Get the fuck outta here!"

Sarge: "No, I'm serious, feller! Shoot, just last week I was at that there donut shop just down the street. Ordered me some jelly donuts. Bastards gave me those cream filled things instead! Gave me the shits for the next three days, I shit you not!"

Homeboy: "Oh my lord! You're kidding me!"

Sarge: "No sir! There wasn't enough toilet paper in Greasepit County to keep this ass clean!"

Me: "Well, you do have an awful big ass, sir!"

Sarge: "Why, thank you very much! Tell you what I'm gonna do...I'm gonna let you fellers off with a warning. You have a valid point to make and your actions are a direct result of years of mental torment....Trust me, I know! Now get outta my office before I change my mind!"

Homeboy: "I can't believe they are letting us walk bro! Thought we were prison bitches for sure!"

Me: "Funny how things work out. I need to get home to my family. I don't know what my wife is gonna do! Prison might be a safer alternative."

Homeboy: "I can't help you out there bro, but I tell you what...I think I found a new addiction. Today was awesome! Best high I ever had! You ever want to blow shit up you call me first!"

Me: "Agreed! Later homey!"

"Honey! I'm so glad your home!"

Me: "What? You mean you're not mad?"

Wife: "Of course not! You're famous! Everyone knows what you did and they love you for it!"

Me: "Really?"

Wife: "Of course, baby! After all these years of getting ripped off by fast food, it's finally gonna pay off!"

"Daddy? I'm hungry! Can we go out to eat?"

"What did you say!?"

"Don't worry, I have supper all under control!"

This is how I feel almost every time I get fast food. 99% of the time, my order is wrong. Its one thing to have your order wrong occasionally, but every single time? I used to work in fast food, I mean really, how hard can it be? I guess we are getting what we  pay for, FAST FOOD! Being that they throw your food at you quickly and carelessly!  Have it your way seems to be a false statement, because almost every time, you get your food their way, no matter how you place your order.

This is just a glimpse of how fast food can fuck up ones day. If you haven't noticed already, it seems that each franchise is notorious for the manner in which they ruin your day. Keep that in mind next time you get carry-out! The type of mood you're in just might dictate what brand of incompetence you can tolerate!